Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
I woke up today earlier than usual. It was still dark outside. The sun wasn’t up yet and neither was anyone else in the house. I was feeling calm and hopeful. In the joy of the moment, I took out my notebook, poured myself a cup of coffee, sat by the window and wrote down some disjointed thoughts on the holiday season. Please enjoy!
On Family
I like December. It feels like the entire year I have been holding my breath and when December rolls around, I'm finally willing to exhale. That feeling is more evident this year than any other year previously. Growing up, my mother made a big deal of celebrating Christmas. We are not Christians. But on Christmas day, I would wake up to carols playing, the smell of freshly baked plum cake, a tree decorated with presents, a Santa hat on the pillow next to mine with a note that said "You are loved." Of course, I didn't appreciate these little moments then. Last year, it was the first Christmas that i didn't spend with my mother. Flight tickets were expensive and i had only two weeks off. It didn't seem worth it to fly halfway across the world only for a few weeks. On Christmas morning, i woke up lonely and depressed, i missed my mother terribly and more so, i missed her Christmas celebrations. If you ask my mother why she makes a big deal about Christmas, she'll say "It's the last full week before the year ends and endings must be celebrated."
My dad's birthday is on 7th January. So, those two weeks - Christmas, New Years and Dad's Birthday - is a time of festivity and celebration for my family. My dad is not huge on celebrating his birthday. On his birthday, he'll buy presents for the rest of the family. He makes it about us. He'll buy cakes from bakeries that my mom loves or plan a holiday to some place that i wanted to visit. Last year, I sent him a Fitbit and he has been wearing it everyday. Even through quarantine, when he's been at home mostly. One year, my mum gifted him an iPhone and he kept using it even after the phone effectively stopped being functional. As a child, I used to think my dad is woefully boring. My mom and I would dress up and attend new years eve parties while my dad preferred to stay home and sleep. Its only now as an adult that I realize it’s because he grew up with very little money and materialistic things. He doesn't know how to spend money for enjoyment. He's used to spending money for survival. His birthday is a time time for us to celebrate the man who has always put family first.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about family. This past year, because of travel restrictions and the pandemic, I spent so much time not knowing when I was going to see my parents next. I was constantly reminded just how far I am from them, that it would take me a whole travel day plus a few days in quarantine, before I would even be allowed to see them. Would I hug my mom or would we just bump elbows, I wondered.
I understand how genetics work, yet I’m still shocked by how much I look like my mother and my mother’s mother. Sometimes I’ll be standing at the stove cooking something and it’ll hit me - I cook like my mother. No regard for measurements or recipe, just “feeling it”. My schtick for cleanliness and order, that comes from my dad. I am like my parents in so many ways! It shouldn’t be surprising but it continues to shock me. Growing up, I tried so hard not to be like my parents. I wanted to be different, I wanted to be edgy. Unconsciously, I imbibed so many of their traits- good and bad. I’m my parents’ daughter and it is heart-warming that no matter how far I am from them, I carry a bit of my parents in me.
**
On New Years Eve
In the last decade I have spent New Years Eve in Delhi, Dubai, Muscat, Kolkata, Goa and New York. My favorite NYE memory is the time i camped out in the middle of the desert in Oman with my parents with no Wi-Fi connection. Just us with sand around us and stars above us. It was serene and peaceful. A perfect start to the new year. We had time and space and love and laughter. As years go by, I'm choosing to spend NYE with people I care about, staying in, sharing our hopes and thoughts. Gone are the days of being drunk, with people I hardly talk to, dressing up in uncomfortable clothes and shivering through the January chill just for the optics on social media.
A few years ago, I spent NYE at a meditation retreat. We were cut off from the rest of the world and we rang in the new year deep in meditation and silence. We were asked to reflect on our desires and practice mindfulness and gratitude. Usually, I have a long list of things I want to achieve in the new year - professionally and personally. That year, as I sat with my eyes closed and focused on my breathing, I felt all my anxieties melt away. I didn't care what goals I'm able to cross off my list. I decided I want to live more consciously and more authentically.
On 31st Dec 2019, I watched the Korean boy band BTS perform at the Times Square NYE ball drop celebrations. And my life changed forever! For me, my life will henceforth be characterized as ‘before BTS’ and ‘after BTS’. I would not have been able to tide through the madness of 2020, if I didn’t have BTS providing the background soundtrack to it.
This year, my New Year’s Eve plan includes meditating, journaling, lighting candles and chanting hymns. This year has been full of anxiety and uncertainty, and while I’m still anxious and uncertain about ~the future~ I’m choosing to start the new year on a tranquil and restful note.
**
On New York City and the holidays
The first movie I ever watched in the theatre was Polar Express, I was 8 years old and it kickstarted my obsession with Christmas movies. My favorite Christmas movie is Home Alone 2. I have watched it at least twenty times. Home Alone 2 is set in New York City. I remember watching it as a child and being instantly fascinated with Christmas in NYC. My first Christmas in the City, I set out to recreate activities shown in the movie. And I cannot stress this enough but New York City during the holidays is absolutely magical!! The joy and magic and the spirit of festivities is palpable in the air. Because of the pandemic and official government directive, I have not been able to experience the holiday season in NYC this year. Most events have been cancelled or have been scaled down to accommodate social distancing measures. I have been stuck at home. And honestly, I could be anywhere else in the world right now and it wouldn’t even matter because New York City just feels different.
Anyway, here’s presenting my Magical NYC Holiday Adventure (if things had been different, this is how I would’ve celebrated the holidays):
strolling through fifth avenue admiring all the store front displays
watching the saks fifth av light and sound show
viewing the rockefeller centre tree
lighting a candle at St. Patrick's Cathedral
ice skating at central park
exploring the winter villages at bryant park and union square
babka from breads bakery
truffle hot chocolate from no chewing allowed
wandering (and freezing) at brooklyn bridge park admiring the skyline
the rockettes!!!!!
christmas eve caroling at washington square park
tree hopping across the city admiring the lights and decorations
picture with the Santa at hudson yards
I spent last Christmas strolling through a snow-covered Manhattan, holding hands with my partner, sharing our dreams and kissing under the mistletoe. This Christmas is looking wildly different. This Christmas I’m going to stay home, blast the nutcracker playlist on full volume, snuggle with hot chocolate, watch Home Alone 2 and count my blessings. My heart is full and I’m thankful for good health, for friendship, for family, for sunlight, for stillness, for forgiving myself, for (finally!) letting go of things I had been holding onto for too long, for the ways in which life works out and for love.
**
Endings must be celebrated because they remind us that a new beginning rife with endless possibility is just around the corner. This has been a tough year but I’m hopeful for better days. 2020 has taught me gratitude for fleeting things and to seek the wisdom in impermanence. For now, hope keeps me going.
I wish you, dear friend, a Merry Christmas and a happy new year with loads of love and luck and joy and abundance. 💖
Gifts From The Internet
Who Gets to Breathe Clean Air in New Delhi? This side-by-side visual ‘day in the life’ of two kids living in Delhi is enlightening, heartbreaking and a stark reminder of privilege, inequality and climate change. If there is one link you open today, PLEASE let it be this one!
In a pandemic holiday, women still do it all. The load of invisible labor is especially high for women during the holidays, even in the midst of a pandemic with borders shut and stay-at-home orders in place. Sigh. In similar news, the pandemic forced more women out of the workforce.
Here are two articles about TV watching in 2020. Both somewhat contradicting each other but both making very valid points. In the Atlantic, The Year of Ambitious TV Watching. In 2020, tackling 121 episodes of a single show was no longer as daunting as it once seemed. At Buzzfeed, In 2020, Pop Culture Failed To Meet The Moment. There was no song or movie or TV show that really captured the grief and isolation of this year.
The pandemic has made digital dating a norm. People living within the same city limits couldn’t meet because of the lockdown. If you weren’t hunkered down with your partner, you were inevitably in a long distance partnership. So here’s a brave, bold guide to sexting. You can thank me later ;)
A shoutout to the savior of 2020 for so many of us - TikTok. TikTok Was 2020's Only Silver Lining. What would I have done in this horrible year without everyone’s Renegades?
I love to hear from you, so send me your thoughts and feelings™ by replying to the email or leaving a comment on the website.
If you liked this post and want to share it with friends, click below.
Thanks for reading!